The perspective that helps me move through rejection
The other day, a friend came to me and shared that she’d put her whole heart into a proposal for a client, but in the end, the client chose someone else over her—and she felt so defeated.
She told me she was really in her head about it. She couldn’t stop wondering what it was that she’d done wrong that had caused the client to go with this other person instead of her.
I have a lot of empathy for her because I know exactly how she’s feeling. Our conversation took me back to all the times I felt the same way when I got passed over for a contract or a client. I’d spend hours, sometimes days, wondering what I could have done differently to get a different outcome.
But, I told her, that’s no longer my post-rejection routine. Over the years, I’ve worked to evolve my mindset so that the sting of rejection doesn’t keep me stuck. I now have a totally different perspective when something doesn’t work out, and it helps me move through those feelings faster and with more compassion for myself.
I thought I’d share with you what I told my friend in case you, too, are struggling with rejection or have struggled with it before.
To help you understand how I got here, let’s go back to where I started.
Back in the Student Maid days, whenever I would bid on a cleaning contract and not get it, I would feel just like my friend did: totally defeated. Sometimes, this would happen after I’d met with the client multiple times, gone on site visits, and spent hours working on detailed proposals. When I didn’t get the contract, it felt personal.
Rejection felt even more personal when I became a speaker. Instead of someone turning down a contract with the company I led, they were turning me down. I found myself wondering what other people had that I didn’t.
Those feelings eventually led me to show up differently when I’d meet with potential clients. I stopped being as authentic as I could have been, and I kept my focus on getting to yes. I’d come into conversations thinking, “How can I turn myself into what you need me to be?” I’d even volunteer to change my speaking style and do things I normally wouldn’t, like using slides when I present, or cover topics that weren’t in my wheelhouse.
That’s no longer my approach, and it hasn’t been for a long time. I no longer take a “no” personally, and when I meet with potential clients, I don't try to be anything other than my authentic self. But the only thing that’s really changed between then and now is my perspective on rejection.
These days, when a prospective client chooses someone else over me, I remind myself that they made that choice for a reason. The best collaborations begin with a “heck yes” from both sides, and my “heck yes” comes from being able to show up fully as my authentic self. If my authentic self isn’t a “heck yes” for my client, that just means we’re not the best fit.
What helped me develop this perspective was actually researching my competition. Often, when a client would choose another speaker over me, I would look up that speaker to see what they’re all about. And every time, I’d see it so clearly: That speaker’s style—or something else about them—was completely different than mine. So if that’s the speaker the client wanted for the event, that means that their style, content, etc., is what aligned best with the client’s expectations. It’s a good thing they chose that person over me because what I offered wasn’t what they wanted.
I also worked on adopting an abundance mindset. I stopped looking at each opportunity like it was the last one I’d ever get. Now, I remind myself that there will be another client who will prefer my style over someone else’s; I just have to keep putting myself out there so we can find each other.
Over time, looking at it this way has helped me separate myself from the outcome of a potential deal. I still give my all to my proposals, I still meet with people several times before we become “official,” and I still do what I can to get to yes—as long as I’m staying true to me. But now, I surrender to the outcome. If I showed up authentically and put my best foot forward and still didn’t get to yes, I tell myself it wasn’t meant to be, and I move on.
These days, I go into conversations with potential clients genuinely wanting them to find the right fit for their event or team. Finding the right person, I tell them, is a huge win, even if it’s not me. I don't see any of the time I spend meeting with them or creating a proposal as wasted; I see it as necessary to help them get clear on whether they want to work with me or with someone else. Either way, the client gets taken care of.
What’s been interesting is that many clients who don’t choose to work with me initially often come back to me. Years later, they might be hosting a different event, and they’ll remember our conversation and realize that this time, I am the right fit. And sometimes, clients who have told me they wanted to go in a different direction realize that they don’t like that direction or it didn’t work out. They come back because they’re ready to try what I have to offer.
I think what happens when you surrender to the outcome and you truly want what's best for people is that you come from a place of service. You don’t take things personally, you don’t try to control the situation, and people appreciate that. They’ll remember how you made them feel, and it may be what brings them back to you.
This mindset shift was years in the making, so I know it’s so much easier said than done. If you take rejection personally at work, I get it! Work is personal. It can feel like an extension of our identity. When your work isn’t chosen, it can feel like you aren’t being chosen, and that hurts. But what can help you move through that hurt, I think, is remembering that authentic alignment is more important than anything. If it's not there, then it means that the opportunity is not the best fit. Choosing to see it that way keeps me from taking rejection personally, and I hope it can help you, too.
How about you? What’s been your experience with rejection and the mindset around it? Is there something about this post that resonated with you? Hit “reply” and tell me about it! My team and I love reading your responses each week.
You’ve got this!
Big hugs,
