Some courageous conversations don’t need a solution
Have you ever had a gut feeling tell you that something about an interaction is just . . . off?
I’m talking about that feeling you get when something someone does, says, or even writes just rubs you the wrong way. You know it upset you, but you care about the person and know they meant well, so you don’t think it’s worth doing anything about it. Instead of telling the person how they made you feel, you dismiss it and move on.
This happened to me recently. The experience I want to share with you is about a conversation I had with a good friend of mine.
She sent me a message about something she expected me to be excited about—and I was. I loved what she shared with me.
But my initial reaction to her message took me by surprise. My first feeling wasn't excitement; it was actually a mix of fear and anger.
Because she’s a good friend, and because I felt like I should have been only excited about what she shared with me, I wanted to respond to her message positively. I ignored my negative feelings and only shared the happy ones with her.
But after that, I noticed that the next few interactions I had with this friend left me feeling a bit off, and I felt like she could tell.
A few days later, I happened to have a call with my therapist, and this topic naturally came up. I told my therapist that my emotions confused me. I love this person so much, I told her. Why am I feeling like this?
We went back to the initial conversation and walked through how it made me feel step by step. We explored the negative feelings that originally came up for me, and she helped me see that because I hadn’t addressed those, they were now turning into resentment.
“So, are you going to talk to her about it?” she asked me.
I was afraid she would suggest that.
I didn’t want to have a conversation with my friend. It felt silly. What was I supposed to talk to her about? I didn’t need anything from her. I didn’t need her to change anything. It’s just that what she said affected me—and that was it.
Aren’t these feelings mine to own? I thought. Shouldn’t I just process how it made me feel and move on? I know she cares about me. I know she meant well. What’s the point of starting a conversation with her when I’m not asking her to do anything? Plus, my feelings weren’t exactly pretty. I feared they might make her upset and change our relationship.
Then, my therapist shared something with me that I already know is going to be such a game-changer in my life.
She said, “What if the point of this conversation isn't to talk about a solution? What if the only point is that your friend holds space for you to share how her words affected you? What if all you do is tell her the true feelings that came up for you, and even the insecurity and fear you have about sharing those feelings with her? What would that conversation be like?”
That took me completely by surprise. I didn’t even know that a conversation like that was an option.
I’d always thought that the whole point of having a courageous conversation or giving feedback was to inspire someone to take action. When I teach others how to have these kinds of conversations, I emphasize how important it is to take time to think about why you feel the way you do and get clear on it so that you can come into the conversation knowing exactly what you need the other person to do. Maybe you need them to change a problematic behavior, for example, or maybe they made a mistake and you need them to rectify it. I’m used to having courageous conversations that center on specific goals or tangible solutions.
But even though it’s not what I’m used to, and even though I was scared to have the conversation, I decided to follow my therapist’s advice. I care about my friend a lot, and I knew that if I didn’t address how it felt, my resentment could grow, and that could really affect our friendship. I also know that she’s someone I can trust. I had every reason to believe that she could hold space for me to share how I feel and that we could weather this together. And even though I didn't expect for this to happen, I also thought about the fact that if she couldn't hold that space for me, what did that say about our friendship?
Shortly after my therapy call, I reached out to my friend and told her honestly how I felt. I told her I wanted to share how her message affected me and that I didn’t need anything from her other than a listening ear. I also told her that I wanted to know if sharing my feelings brought up any feelings for her.
I didn't sugarcoat any of it. It was so hard, and I felt so vulnerable, and there were several times where I was panicking internally because I knew I couldn’t take my words back. I think it might have been one of the most vulnerable conversations I've ever had in my life.
But even though it was hard, it turned out exactly as I hoped it would: She held space for me. She listened. She validated me. And after I shared, she admitted that there were some things that I had said that had hurt her. She was curious about some of my feelings and asked me to go deeper so that she could understand, so I did. And I did for her what she’d done for me: I created space for her to share how it made her feel, I listened to her, I became curious about her feelings, and I validated what came up for her.
Before the conversation even ended, we both acknowledged that we were already on the other side of the issue. My trust in her and in our friendship had reached a level that I hadn’t even known was possible to reach in this relationship, all because we shared difficult feelings and held space for one another. That’s it.
I hope this story inspires you to lean into having courageous conversations even when you don’t need something to change.
I think it actually takes even more courage to have this kind of conversation than it does to have one where you’re asking for a solution. When there’s no solution to discuss, the only thing you have to share are your feelings. And that’s a risk: You don’t know how the person will react or if they’ll be able or willing to hold that space for you. It’s incredibly vulnerable to say, “I don't need anything from you except to hear how this made me feel.”
Since that conversation with my friend, I've tried to lean into these no-solution, feelings-centered conversations more.
There was an example at work recently where someone on my team copied me on an email they sent to a client that made me feel a little off. I didn't have any tangible feedback to give my teammate; I just wanted to share the emotions that their email brought up in me.
When I started a conversation with her, I told her that this wasn't a feedback conversation. I just wanted to be honest about my reaction to reading what she wrote. I said I wasn't sure if there was even a “right” way to approach this kind of email, but I wanted to have a conversation about it.
We ended up having a beautiful chat, which we left without a solution or something to implement, but with more trust in each other. We agreed to speak up about these gut reactions more often.
What a gift it is to have relationships where you can feel heard, where you can make others feel heard, and where you don't necessarily need to ask for something to change. What a gift it is to make space for each other to be human and express emotions and figure things out together.
What do you think? Have you ever had a trust-building, no-solution conversation like this? Like me, do you sometimes hesitate to bring up emotions when there isn't a clear ask or change that you need from the other person? Tell me all about it! Hit “reply” on this email. My team and I love hearing from you!
Here's to having more courageous conversations in all of their forms, especially when it feels incredibly vulnerable.
Big hugs,
