How I create work/life harmony when my priorities are at odds
How do you make time for the work you love and the people you love?
How do you show up for you and keep the promises you make to yourself while also being present for your loved ones?
This is a tension I’ve always felt. And to me, the solution isn’t balance: I don’t call it work/life “balance” because that has never felt realistic for me. Instead, I describe this tension as the pursuit of work/life harmony.
Sometimes, harmony means prioritizing one important area of your life over the other, and it can change from day to day, moment to moment. I believe that you never fully “arrive” at work/life harmony. There is no magical ratio to strive for. Instead, it takes constant checking in with yourself and aligning your priorities with the season of life you find yourself in.
A couple months ago, I had a weekend that illustrated the work/life harmony dilemma so well that I was inspired to write about it on social media. My post generated quite a bit of conversation, so I wanted to bring that conversation here and share it with you.
Here’s what inspired that post:
For months now, I’ve been working on a huge creative project that means a lot to me. It's something I’ve been dreaming of and wanting to do for years. I can't wait until I'm able to share more.
It’s one of those projects that I can’t confine to my normal working hours, which means that I have to make sacrifices elsewhere. And I’m happy to do that because I know this won’t be forever—there’s a deadline looming—so I’m okay with working on evenings and weekends because this project means a lot to me.
I’m also a bonus mom. If you’ve been here awhile, you know that my husband and I have a daughter who lives in a different state, and we spend every other weekend with her. When I’m there, I always try to be as present as possible because our time together is so precious.
And yet . . . there’s this project. The only way I’m going to hit my deadline is if I use part of my precious weekends with her to make progress.
Up until this point, the way I’d made it work is that as soon as I landed in Michigan (where my bonus daughter lives), I’d go straight to a coffee shop, suitcase and all, to work. I wouldn't leave until I reached whatever goal I’d set for myself that day. Once I made it home, I’d be able to be all-in with her for the rest of the weekend.
But a couple months ago, I started to realize that my post-flight work sprints wouldn’t be enough. I needed to carve out more time for my project during our weekends with our daughter.
My husband and daughter understand how important this project is to me, and they have both encouraged me to work on it whenever I need to. I’m so grateful for their support, and at the same time, I don’t want to take advantage of it; I want to find a way to show up for them and myself.
The first weekend I planned to spend more time on my project, I set expectations for my family ahead of time. I told them I wanted to spend the mornings with them doing anything we felt like, and then, I would split off and go to the coffee shop to work until I felt like I was done. I told them that it might mean I’d be gone late into the night, or I might make it home in time for dinner; I was just going to follow my energy and inspiration. They totally understood, and we were all on the same page.
But on the morning of the first day, I could just tell that our daughter wasn’t ready to let me go. We had spent all morning together as a family, and I could sense that she wanted to spend more time with me. My suspicions were confirmed when she asked if we could go out for lunch together.
Of course, my project was on my mind, but a teenager actually wanting to spend time with you is rare, right? I knew my work could wait, so we went to lunch.
Then, at lunch, she brought up getting our nails done. It’s our thing we do together, and she was bummed that we wouldn’t be able to do it that weekend because I had work to do. My husband quickly chimed in saying he would be happy to take her, but I was a teenage girl once—I knew that wasn’t going to cut it.
I wanted to work on my project, but I thought about how bummed I would feel if I missed out on this time with her. I knew that taking her to get her nails done would help me be more present while working on my project because I would know I had shown up for her. So, I said, “You know what? I'll take you to get your nails done.” And we went.
As we were sitting together at the nail salon (me next to her while the tech worked on her manicure), we happened to notice a movie theater outside. She asked, “What if we saw a movie tonight?” She said it like she was joking, but I knew she wasn’t. It was her way of telling me she wanted to hang onto me a little bit longer.
I sat there and thought about it for a moment. I knew that if I committed to going to a movie right then and there, I was going to feel like I was betraying myself because it meant not working on my project. But at the same time, I didn’t want to turn down her bid for connection. So, I told her, “No promises, but maybe we can go to a movie tonight if I'm able to get everything done in time.”
She totally understood, and it felt great. I felt like I was able to be there for her, spend time with her, and then still do the thing I had promised myself I would do.
As it turned out, the idea of going to the movies was super motivating for me. I got all of my work done just in time. I called her on my way home to tell her to get ready for the movies, and when I pulled up, she ran out of the house and jumped into my arms to give me a hug. She was so happy, and we had the best night.
To me, this day was the perfect example of work/life harmony. It was a day when my two biggest priorities—my family and my work—were in direct competition, but I managed to make time for them both in ways that honored each of them.
This is the example I want to set for our daughter. I want her to see me working toward something I care about, and I want to model keeping my promises to myself in hopes that it will give her permission to do that in her own life. I also want to model making time for family and important relationships, which is what I did when I said yes to lunch, nails, and the movie.
I'm really proud of how I kept my commitment to myself. I knew that if I didn't, I would end up resentful, overwhelmed, and unable to be present because I'd be thinking about that. But because I honored my own needs, I was able to be super present for her in every moment I was with her. I'm proud of how that day went, and I want to remember it for the future.
I know that there will be days when I’ll have to be either all-in on work or all-in on family. Sometimes, it’s just not possible to do both. And that’s okay. I know that when I have those days, I’ll remind myself that I’m only human. There’s only so much I can do and so many ways I can show up. At the end of the day, I need to make sure I keep my own cup full so that I can continue to pour into others, including my family.
Now, let’s talk about you: Have you ever felt tension between your biggest priorities? Has it ever caused you to make choices you’re not proud of? How do you handle it when your priorities compete with each other? Hit “reply” and tell me more. My team and I love reading your replies!
Big hugs,
