The assumption that almost derailed my Friday night
If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know I’ve been working on listening to myself.
Most often what that means is that when I feel internal resistance or friction, I pay attention to it. I check in with myself to figure out where the feeling is coming from, and if I can, I do something about it.
This practice has helped me so much in my work life, but it’s also making a difference in my life outside of work. Just recently, I had a moment with my family where listening to my resistance and speaking up about it made a special family night even more special.
Here’s the story:
My husband, bonus daughter, and I were making plans for a Friday night out together. We decided that we would go to dinner at one of our favorite spots, and afterward, we’d see a movie.
Choosing the dinner spot was a no-brainer, but the movie was a different story. We didn’t feel like there were a ton of good options for family-friendly films. In fact, there was really just one: the newest Avatar.
No offense to Avatar fans out there, but I'm not an Avatar person. I really tried to get into it, but it's just not my thing. My husband and daughter, on the other hand, had just re-watched the first two movies, so they were stoked.
Even though I wasn’t excited about it, I was totally fine with going to see Avatar. It was the best option available, and it made my family happy, which makes me happy.
But after we made the decision, I felt a tiny pang of resentment inside. Not because I was upset with my family or anything; it was more that I felt I was betraying myself by ignoring my desire.
You see, there was another movie I wanted to see a lot more: Marty Supreme. I’d meant to see it over the holidays and never got around to it. But it was rated R, so of course it was a no-go for my 13-year-old bonus daughter. I told myself that if this hadn’t been a family movie night—if I’d been by myself or just with my husband—I definitely would’ve said something about it. But because this night was about being together as a family, it wasn’t an option.
The old Kristen would have left it there. I would have gone with them to see Avatar and probably fallen asleep. And when we left the theater, I would’ve been thinking, “That was fine, but I really wish I could’ve seen what I wanted to see.”
But I've grown a lot when it comes to speaking up and saying out loud what I think and feel. So, when I felt resistance, I took it seriously.
When I checked in with myself about where my resistance was coming from, I found a story I was telling myself: I assumed that it was important to my family that I went with them to see Avatar.
Now, as assumptions go, that one was pretty reasonable. The whole point of this family night was to spend time together, so if I said I wanted to split off to see my own movie, it would make sense that my family would be bummed that I wasn’t there with them.
And yet . . . I didn’t know that for sure.
I decided to check in with them to find out whether the assumption I was making was true. I said something like, “I'm telling myself this story that you both would be really unhappy if I decided to see a different movie than Avatar tonight because seeing a different movie by myself would mean not spending as much time with you. I want to know if that’s really true. So, on a scale of 1 to 10, please tell me how important it is to you that I see Avatar. 10 means it’s super important and I must come with you, and 1 means it’s not important at all and you don’t mind me seeing something different.”
And wouldn’t you know it . . . both my husband and daughter gave a score of 1. They didn’t care one bit!
Now, if either of them had said it was important, I would have happily gone with them, just like I’d been planning to. It would’ve given seeing Avatar a whole different purpose: Instead of being about the movie, it would’ve been about sitting next to my daughter, holding her hand, and sharing the experience with her. It would have been about spending quality time with my husband.
But because they both gave a score of 1, I decided it was okay to skip a movie I didn’t want to see.
So, after dinner, we went to the movie theater together. They bought tickets to Avatar, and I bought a ticket to Marty Supreme—and then, as a surprise, I bought one for Avatar, too. I had a little time to kill before Marty Supreme started, so I watched (and actually enjoyed) the first 20 minutes of Avatar with them, and then was so happy to leave and go see my own movie.
They loved their movie, and I loved mine. In the car on the way home, we had a little debrief and got to share what we loved about them with each other, and it was so nice.
In the end, everyone got what they wanted—including me. I even got some solo time, which I had been craving anyway. We all left happy, and I felt genuinely recharged. I carried that feeling with me, and we ended up having a wonderful weekend together because it started on such a high note.
In reflecting on this moment, there are a couple things I’m really proud of myself for:
The first is that I paid attention to how I was feeling. Our feelings are important: They give us information about what we really want, which can lead us to decisions we need to make and things we need to do to take care of ourselves. I’m proud that I allowed my feelings to motivate me to have a conversation that helped me show up so much better for myself and my family.
The second thing I’m proud of is the example I set for my bonus daughter. By saying what I really wanted, I modeled honesty and self-awareness. And by inviting my family to give me their thoughts, I modeled caring and compassion. Any time you say your needs out loud, you give others a chance to respond honestly about what they need, too.
How about you? Can you think of a time when you spoke up and found out your assumption was just a story you were telling yourself? Hit “reply” and tell me about it!
The next time you feel resentment, resistance, or that inner pang, that’s a sign. Pay attention to it. Share what’s coming up for you out loud. Who knows? You, like me, might find that you’re telling yourself a story that isn't actually true.
Here’s to learning to challenge the stories we tell ourselves!
Big hugs,
